While I like Blogger fo rcertain reasons, WordPress has its benefits. There fore, you can now find me at http://meaningfuldistractions.wordpress.com and as soon as I figure it out-www.MeaningfulDistraction.com.
See you soon!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
WE'RE MOVING!!!
RESPECTABLE AMOUNT OF DAZZLE: SCARLETT JOHANSON'S RING
I love this. It's a bit hard to see, which is why its so great. Unlike other celebs like Mariah Carey or J Lo or you name 'em, ScarJo's ring is minimal and probably didn't cost enough to save the cyclone victims of Myanmar.
Monday, May 5, 2008
CAN YOU FIGURE OUT BASIC FOOD PRODUCTS? YOU MAY JUST BE A GENIUS
Have you ever had a ton of trouble using Cool Whip? It's pretty tough to get out a spoon, stick said spoon into the fluffy white stuff and dollop it out, right? Well, yeah. At least Kraft thinks so. Kraft also thinks you're stupid and lazy.
In lieu of this, they have decided to make their microwavable foods and plastic wrapped cheese even easier for morons to consume. They will soon unveil 80 new products for those who are mentally challenge and minimal effort averse.
An example of one of these new products is Aerosole Cool Whip. The company found that "consumers didn't want to have to take that trying trip to the freezer every time they wanted a dollop, so they'd either skip the topping or went with a canned brand. Kraft's solution: a Cool Whip aerosol, so consumers can reach into the fridge and easily squeeze out a topper for their cookie, brownie or piece of fruit. The product will also be available in the dairy case, so it won't require a separate visit to the freezer aisle."
Other products (that are most likely made entirely of chemicals) meant to make your life easier:
Jell-O Singles, a product you just add milk to, watch congeal and try not to think of how unnatural it is as you feed it to your children.
Bagelfuls, a frozen, microwaveable bagel and cream cheese combo that comes in plain, strawberry, blueberry, cinnamon and whole grain.
And finally, Deli Select cheeses in envelopes instead of wrapped, so it can make it into lazy, fat, unhealth concious mouths seconds earlier.
What I want to know-besides why people who need cheese in envelopes over plastic wrap are allowed to live when clearly they should have been weeded out by evolution, is where the hell the pill meal is?*
It's 2008 people-aren't we supposed to have all our nutrients available in flavored pills that taste like Kobe beef and caviar? Or, as in the Jetsons, a vending machine-like appliance that just makes food materialize when we say things like "dollop of Cool Whip." How come science can't give us those things instead of food that congeals before our eyes?
*And teleporting. Where the fuck is teleporting?
(Ad Age)
NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK ARE THE OLD LFO
NKOTB has released their first single. Called Summertime, it sounds just like what you would expect-a fluffy boyband tune from the early '90's. While I would love to love it just for nostalgic purposes, I can't even stomach listening to the whole thing. If you wanna give it a shot, click here.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON TO WED THAT DUDE FROM VAN WILDER
Sorry dreamers, but Ryan Reynolds has got you beat. Although ScarJo tends to take on serious roles with character depth, while he plays linear characters whose personalities consist of quippy one liners, the duo seems to get along. I give the marriage (if they even make it to the altar, unlike Reynolds previous engagement to Alanis Morrisette) all of 2 years, 2 and a half max.
Anyone want to make a bet?
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ASSHOLES BELOW ME
According to the construction workers outside my window, whose noise I have finally become accustomed to enough that I can shut it out, you Floor 2 have forgone working today in order to have a graduation party of some sort and make my life just that much harder.
Seeing that it's Monday at 3:30pm and you're 6 floors below me, might I suggest that your music is a tad too loud. Did I mention that it is shaking the floor? Oh, you don't believe I can hear it all the way up here on 9? Then how would I know that you have played the Milkshake Song four times in a row. Is it '05 again?
There is just no excuse for this. And yeah, I am to scared to go down and face a room full of people and ask to have you turn down the music, so I am doing this instead. Blogging about to release some steam.
Still, yes still, my pathetic cowardice it is not as bad as the fucking Milk Shake song.
I hate you floor 2.
A SHOT OF P DIDDY HAPPINESS
I beleive I have mentioned beofre how I want to keep P Diddy in my pocket so that I can pull him out whenever I need a laugh. Well, today the Did went on Ellen, where they blind taste-tested 4 vodkas to see if Puffy could recognize his own brand.
How does one know that it's Mr. Sean John's brand? It helps you "preserve your sexy."
TOM HANKS ENDORSES OBAMA
Does anyone understand the timing on this? Tom Hanks is obviously a huge star, but is he someone that can really swing voters in North Carolina or Indiana? I doubt it.
DUNKIN DONUTS LAYS OUT THE CASE TO NEVER USE PUBLIC TOILETS AGAIN
If your like me and live in NY it's inevitable that you probably use public restrooms more than the rest of the country. When you travel mostly by foot, a bathroom break is sometimes necessary. Well, here's a warning-this story is about to make you super-paranoid.
This weekend an employee from a Long Island branch of Dunkin Donuts was arrested for keeping a hidden camera in the restroom. He was caught when the pictures accidentally showed up on a neighbor's security system. He has been charged with unlawful surveillance and released on $7,500 bail.
Would you like a side of fetishism with your kruller and coffee? If not, I suggest that next time your in a public stall, be sure to check for pinhole cameras. Or, since we are on the subject, how about we all just boycott DD until they take those awful Fratalian commercials off the air.
EVERYTHING YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT NORMAN MAILER'S SEX LIFE
Norman K. Mailer ’s mistress Carole Mallory has released papers to Harvard on her nine-year relationship with the two-time Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist and Village Voice founder.
Last week, Harvard's Crimson ran an interview with her, in which she details how Mailer was was in bed.
- “We talked a lot when we made love," she says.
- Being that he was a recovering alcoholic they never had sex when he was drunk. “Cowards need alcohol to make love. They might as well make love to the bottle.”
- Due to his “polygamist heart” and "inability to be faithful," Mallory believes he was sleeping with other women during their affair.
- Mallory tells today's NY Post that he "liked me to dress up in erotic outfits, and we'd role play." She'd portray a struggling actress willing to do anything to get a choice movie role. "He particularly liked to play the role of producer. The scene would be the casting couch."
-Mailer also "liked to hear the details of the sexual behavior of stars with whom I'd had sex. Norman was turned on by hearing about my sexual encounters with movie stars . . . hearing about my sexcapades gave him great pleasure."
And there you have it folks. Norman Mailer was really just a regular guy.
STARS: THEY'RE NOT LIKE US!
-Miley Cyrus played at Disney World this weekend. Tons of fans showed up, proving that the scandal has passed. All those over the age of 12 can now go back to not caring about Hannah Montana. (Sun)
-Britney Spears attended her sister's baby shower. Paparrzai disappointed by lack of crazy behavior. (People)
-Women and shoe addicts everywhere can breath a sigh of releif. No one dies in the Sex and the City movie. Also, Carey and Big have no parents, as well as more spoiler, non-spoilers. (NY Times)
-Victoria Beckham is suing Rock and Republic to the tune of $100 million. Why? Her jeans brand didn't sell as well as she thought it would. British and American public next up for not buying Spice Girls Greatest Hits album.
-Amy Winehouse is now seeking to destroy the Catholic church. The Jewish lass and perpetual fuck-up has taken to wearing rosary beads. (Oh No They Didn't)
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
COREY HAIM CONTINUES TO KILL MY CHILDHOOD
When I was younger I was obsessed with Corey Haim. Posters ripped from Bop and Tiger Beat were hung all over my room, locker and random parts of the house for brief moments before my mom tore them down. He was my first crush and I credit him fully for helping "awaken" my sexuality.
But what the mother fuck happened? Seriously Corey? Yes, I know massive drug use and subsequent weight gain put a damper on your little party, but still. No excuse. Look at all the drug addicts and fuck up that have managed to turn a profit out of bad behavior publicity. You are like the male Britney Spears, minus the singing, children and penchant for trailer park fare.
But maybe I should lay off. Dear Corey is obviously working hard at a comeback. A word of advice: He needs to work harder.
First there was the reality show Two Coreys, which displayed that the Rudy actor had not matured past the age of 14. Now, he is in a new flick called Crank 2, which I am not so sure is the best vehicle to make a huge "Look, I'm ready to be a star again," statement. Aside from reports that he has been a wreck on set, filling his pockets with kraft services, just look at him.
Why Corey Haim? Why? I still love you. I just know you can do better.
THE HILL'S FEUD TO BE PUT TO REST BY OBAMA
What more reason do you need to elect this guy?
Last night Barack appeared on Lettermans Late Show to deliver the Top Ten Surprising Facts about Barack Obama:
10. My first act as president will be to stop the fighting between Lauren and Heidi on “The Hills”
9. In the Illinois primary, I accidentally voted for Kucinich
8. When I tell my kids to clean their room, I finish with, “I’m Barack Obama and I approved this message”
7. Throughout high school, I was consistently voted “Barackiest”
6. Earlier today I bowled a 39
5. I have canceled all my appearances the day the “Sex and The City” movie opens
4. It’s the birth place of Fred Astaire (Sorry, that’s a surprising fun fact about Omaha)
3. We are tirelessly working to get the endorsement of Kentucky Derby favorite Colonel John
2. This has nothing to do with the Top Ten, but what the heck is up with Paula Abdul?
1. I have not slept since October
(CBS.com)
P DIDDY WILL SURVIVE THE RECCESION WEARING BEARSKIN
P. Diddy's the kind of guy I want to keep in my pocket, just to pull out when I need a laugh. You can always rely on him to make a hilarious egotistical and hyperbolic statement.
Case in point. When asked how he'll survive tough times, Diddy answers, "So if the music industry's getting cannibalized by the Internet, I figure out how to work with it, I figure out how to survive. You throw me in the jungle butt-naked, I come out with a lion's head, some bearskins, and a bunch of food. I may be driving a Maybach." (Yahoo)
Can't nobody hold him down. Oh no. He's going to keep on movin (in a fancy car).
SEXISM ABOUNDS AT BLOOMBERG'S NEWS COMPANY
More than 50 women are suing Bloomberg LP, the mayor's financial news company, for sexual discrimination. The suit claims that pregnant women were denied promotions and at times, even demoted.
The mayor is not named in the case, but workers claim he still holds influence. He's been actively trying to distance himself from the case and when I asked about it by a reporter he responded, "Next time don't bother to ask us a question. You stick to topic. Everybody else plays by the rules. You'll just have to as well. Thank you very much."
My advice culled from 3 years as a publicist: Step it up Mike. Come forward with some massive appreciation for women. Hiding = lying the eyes of the public.
Personal Side Note: Don't you love these? In an event that is probably more classist than sexist and more sad than anything, I once spent a few hours with the mayor. It was back when I worked as a lowly underling for X, a large corporation in the city. The event we were holding was outside and it had rained earlier that day, so my job was just to trot after him with an umbrella as he kissed babies and shook hands, in case it rained. After two endless hours of watching this, the honorable Mayor of Gotham turned around, looked at me with surprise and said, "Oh, you're still back there?" like I was stalking him. He did not say thank you.
INSIDE THE MIND OF HUNTERS
I don't really want to get into the reason why, but this morning I was checking out the web site for Field and Stream, which is sort of like porn for hunters. I saw this adorable picture of these two albino deer. Awe, they are so cute, right? Not to mention rare and illegal to hunt.
Almost every commentator (and there are a ton) said yes. Each had an eloquent and well thought out response that make you drop all your pre-conceived stereotypes about the type of people who spend their weekends carousing the forest with guns, looking to kill Bambie. A few choice comments:
"One of the reasons these deer are so rare is that they are more liable to get eaten by predators because of the white. I say shoot it since it dont last forever in the wild. think how long it would last on the wall. (i'd full body mount it)"
"kill the dang thing. they're all deer. if u dont ur a wussy"
"what is the point in letting a defective deer live...kill em all!!!!!"
"I would wait until they where older and then kill them. it would look so cool to mount one on a wall. P.S. Ohio State rules!!!!"
Click here for more.
GARY COLEMAN ON DIVORCE COURT!
Former child star and little person Gary Coleman is finally back on TV. He appeared on divorce court with his 22 year old wife Shannon Price. In this clip, Shannon lays out what is perhaps the best reason for getting out of a marriage: Gary didn't stick up for her during an argument with a stranger over when the world was going to end. Everyone knows the world is going to end!
I guess that's what you get when you marry Gary Coleman.
STARS: THEY'RE NOT LIKE US!
It's official! Mariah Carey has married far less famous Nick Cannon during a private island ceremony. So un-diva of her. (NY Post)
Tom Cruise sent Katie Holmes to Scientology bootcamp. She was audited, which is exactly like confession except it's all at once, recorded and locked away in a box so that if you divorce Tom Cruise they can use it to blackmail you. (Star)
Miley Cyrus was scheduled to participate in a Disney event in Orlando, but was too busy taking her shirt off. (LA Times)
Beyonce just got married. Rapid baby bump watchers are already specualting. (HollyScoop)
Jennifer Aniston is finally getting some. Flowers from John Mayer that is. (US)
Gossip boy Chace Crawford is loose in New York and looking for a drunken piece of ass. (Page 6)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
F%@K! I HAVE NO TIME TODAY
Sorry kids, but real work calls. I can not resist however, posting this bit of un-airable Celebracadabra magic. It's just so much better than the actual show*.
*Except for Hal Sparks. Call me.
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