NEW FAMILY GUY SPINOFF!

Fox will be launching its first animated comedy in three years and guess what? It's going to be awesome. "Cleveland," a spinoff of "Family Guy," has a 13 episode order. I don't know about you but I can't wait. Loretta...

MCCAIN OUTLINES NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN, REASONS NOT TO VOTE FOR HIM

Seeing as I forgot to pay my COBRA this month and will likely be without health care for god knows how long, not to mention having spent four of the past years without it, now seems like a good time to look at McCain's new bullshit health care plan.

So hmmm...lets see here. In complete opposition to his Democratic opponents universal health care plans, McCain is offering pretty much the same thing as President Bush did and his flopped in Congress. Smart.

In the plan pharmaceutical company's will not be subject to regulation and therefore be able to charge gramsie and popsie any amount they want for their arthritis medicine. A shift would also be made so that instead of getting coverage via an employer, it will shift to an individual based model which will supposedly allow you the hassle of finding cheaper health care. Insurance companies will want your business and lower their cost. Huh? Why doe this not seem likely?

Included is also a $5,000 family tax credit. But really, I can't think of one reason why this would be considered a good idea. Anyone?

PAULA ABDUL FORGOT TO TAKE HER MEDS

ARE YOU SEEING MADONNA TONIGHT? TAKE ME!

Madonna's tour kicks off at NYC's Roseland Ballroom tonight! No tickets were sold and its on a first come first serve basis so people started lining up yesterday! I was told by someone, seeing as I have a job (surprise!) that requires me to be present, that a good way to keep your place is to pay a homeless person. They were serious.

Has anyone actually ever done this? There seems to be so many complications: Why would the bum stay there? Say you pay him after, he may still get bored or give your ticket to a higher bidder. Say you pay before, then there is no incentive to stay. If you go half before and half after, he still has more in his pocket than he did earlier and may not be able to resist the urge to go buy some food.

For those like me who don't have 4 minutes to save the world let alone 48 hours to stand in line, the show will be broadcast live on MSN.com and then re-broadcast on 15 May around the world.

Party in my bomb shelter of an apartment on May 15. It's exclusive so send me an email if you want to come. Costume required.

Personal side note because I feel like confessing: I love Madonna! I have never seen and will likely never see her in concert. I was willing to do anything for a ticket. So I swallowed my pride and called the X, who writes for X and has some pull, and asked/begged. I haven't seen him in forever, so this was a huge deal. Plus, I hate asking him for anything. Sadly though, he couldn't get another ticket so now I am not only prideless but super depressed.

OBAMA FINALLY FIGHTS BACK. BUT IS THE DAMAGE DONE?

JOE FRANCIS HEDGES HIS BETS WITH DUPRE CASE, IS STILL AN A-HOLE

Spitzer hooker Ashley Durpre's has issued a $10 million dollar lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, whom she willingly and voluntarily showed her tits to. In response, he's offering her a cool $1 million to drop the charges and become a spokesperson for the brand.

No news yet on whether she will accept, but Joe, always a class-act, actually makes a compelling (and hilarious) argument saying, "She should keep in mind it's considerably more than the governor of New York paid her, and our activities aren't illegal."

Such is the great debate we must all face at some point-Show your boobs for a million or have sex with a politician for 4k?

STARS: THEY'RE NOT LIKE US!

Mariah Carey is engaged to someone called Nick Cannon. He bought her a huge blinging 17 carat ring with rare diamonds that he can't afford. E=MC debt for life. (Page Six)

Charlie Sheen is a whore mongering pervert. Also, it's Weds. and the earth is round. (NY Post)

J. Lo's TLC show to be one long commercial for her newest fragrance. (People)

Vanilla Ice, who mistook his wife for a chump he needed to wax like a candle, has had domestic abuse charges against him dropped. I think he's on a roll and it's time to go solo. (E! News)

Benji Madden wrote a love song for Paris. Every musician who is accused of selling out can now use the line, "At least I never wrote a song for Paris fucking Hilton," as a comeback. (People)

YES. JIMI HENDRIX WAS EXPERIENCED

Why does it seem like everybody has a sex tape? If this is normal activity, then I am abnormal. Sure I have thought about it, probably more than is average for someone who didn't just take out the camera and start shooting, but I still wouldn't do it. I'd be more worried about watching and thinking I look fat or having the camera hit an angle that would turn me away from nookie forever, but it also seems that everyone gets caught: Kim Kardashian, Kristen Davis, Marilyn Monroe and now Jimi Hendrix.

Yep, that's right, a new film features the guitar legend who rocked the fucking world getting his no-no's yes-yesed.

But is it really him? Chances are not likely. The film shows eleven minutes of a man they claimed to be Jimi with two brunettes. Ex girlfriends of the rock god, collectors and historians are all calling fraud.

Despite this (and I really would never want to see a Henrix sex tape) it may be worth checking out. The whole DVD is 45 minutes and offers a retrospective of Jimi's career, which is great for getting nostalgic about college. Which, to tell you honestly, always makes me think of sex. And alas, yes, we've come full circle.

WAS THE CLINTON CAMP BEHIND THE REV WRIGHT DEBACLE?

It seems that a staunch Hillary supporter named Barbara Reynolds invited loony tune/hate-monger Rev. Wright to speak at the National Press Club Monday.

Seeing how the pro-Farrakhan Wright was about, oh say, 110% likely to expose what a nusto he is, this would be a brilliant way for the Hillary campaign to undercut Obama without getting their hands dirty.

If this was an intentional ploy, I say we elect Hill immediately. This is clearly the most cunning, genius display of manipulation and strategy ever.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON: FALLING DOWN MUSIC VIDEO

Scarlett Johanson is such a normal, down-to-earth chick. She brushes her teeth, rides the train, hangs out with Salman Rushdie and appears to be stalked by the flash of a leopard. I don't know about you, but me and her are so similar. Especially the transmorphing animal part. I wish that crazy grizzly would just leave me alone ya know. Like, can't a girl just shower in peace?

CELEBRATE BROOKLYN SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED

Check out the schedule here. All events take place at Prospect Park and its free!

Here's my list of must sees:

-June 19: Medeski, Martin and Wood

-June 27: Cold War Kids (Great live. Did I mention the lead singer is my future boyfriend?), Elvis Perkins (I heart HUGE)

-July 11: Brazilian Girls (Also great live. Bizarre costumes)

-July 12: Beth Orton (Seriously included on every playlist during Fashion Week, for some reason I'm still not sick of her)

-July 18: Deerhoof

-July 26: Ghostland Observatory, Bear Hands

WILL THERE EVER BE AN ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT FLICK?

It doesn't look like it. For those of you who don't know (and must be living in a cultural cave of uncool) Arrested Development is one of the smartest, most comedic shows in the history of television. Example-What is an analyst who is also a therapist? An analrapist. So fucking clever.

Rumors about a movie have been going on since the second it went off the air and I actually got confirmation from the man himself, Justin Bateman, aka Michael Bluth, that it was a likely probability. But now, according to David Cross, who uttered the quote above as Tobias, it looks like FOX is not on board.

"FOX is not a charity. As much as I hate the idea that commerce should come ahead of art, it's true. I wish they could say, 'Hey, let's just take some of that Simpsons money and put it into Arrested Development,' but that would be the dumbest fucking move ever." (VF Daily/VF)

TO DO: AUGUSTEN BURROUGH'S READING TONIGHT!

Check out super memoirist and dark comedic essayist Augusten Burroughs tonight at Barnes and Noble. For those like me who loved Running with Scissors, Dry and Sellevision, this is a chance to check out his newest work, A Wolf at the Table. The book is about his "mysterious and menacing" father.

Barnes and Noble

33 E. 17th St

NEW DARK KNIGHT PHOTOS!

The trailer comes out this Sunday. But for now...

TODAY IS ALL ABOUT FREE STUFF: IT'S BEN AND JERRY'S SCOOP DAY

I'm a Cherry Garcia girl myself. Click here to find out where to get your scoop of psychedelic creamy goodness.

NEW COLDPLAY SINGLE FOR FREE!

I'm not a huge Coldplay fan, but for those of you who are their new single ‘Violet Hill’ is available today on their website and Myspace page.

STARS: THEY'RE NOT LIKE US!

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have had dinner, a beach date and most likely sex together. (Sun)

Anti-Semite Mel Gibson will be starring in his first flick since last appearing street side in the role of drunken maniac. (Reuters)

LC may start a shoe line, because hell, she has a closet full of shoes. Sounds like enough experience to me. (People) She also just started dating minor-league baseball player Doug Reinhardt. Stephen Colletti and Brody to pretend like they care. (OhNoTheyDidn't)

Uma Thurman's stalker made her so crazy she resorted to smoking, I have still have no excuse for it. (Post)

Spitzer whore Ashley Dupre sues Joe Francis for taking advantage of her sluttiness. (People)

Poor Cheri Oteri's father was murdered! (OK!)

Gwyneth Paltrow snubs Paramount execs by not showing up for a party in her honor, still manages to remain boring. (Daily Mail)

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are having a baby. Now they'll never adopt me!!! (NY Daily News)

Sounds like someone has been talking to Jamie Spears. Amy Winehouse's dad wants her locked up. (People)

PINK FLOYD AT COACHELLA

Roger Waters closed Coachella in the only way he could: Playing Dark Side of the Moon under a giant inflatable pig.

On one side of the pig read the words "Don't be led to the slaughter," along with a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding cleavers on one side. The other side said "Fear builds walls," and the underside read "Obama" with a checked ballot box.

As you can see from the pic, there was some serious pyrotechnic action. I wasn't there, but I was in spirit.

REV. WRIGHT JUST KEEPS ON TALKING

Rev. Jeremiah Wright just can not be stopped from reminding people that Obama knows someone who hates white people. Making plenty of speeches over the past few days, Wright is saying that attacks on him are really attacks on the black church. Implying-He is the modern day black Jesus.

Wright also said political opponents of Obama were exploiting the fact that the style of prayer and preaching in black churches was different from European church traditions. Then he went on to preach about equality and similiarities. This was of course followed by mocking JFK and other white political leader for the way they talked, which is sort of like calling the pot calling the kettle...Rev. Wright. Rrrright.

(FOX)

MILEY CYRUS PHOTO SCANDAL: DID VANITY FAIR GO TOO FAR?

By now you have probably seen the Vanity Fair photo of Miley Cyrus taken by famed photographer Annie Leibovitz. The Hannah Montana star is lying in bed, hair tousled, a thin bed sheet covering her breasts. The big question: Is this wrong?

The answer my dear readers is yes. It is appalling. Miley is 15 years old and clearly being sexualized and exploited to sell magazines, much in the way that a 15 year old Brooke Shields was used to sell Calvin Klein jeans. It's the most alluring of all taboos: Innocence corrupted, the virgin whore dichotomy.

But the difference between Miley and Brooke is that while Brooke was famous for her looks and marketed towards adults to build her career, Miley's celebrity is based on her musical ability and catered specifically to children. She is a role model for young girls and her posing like this is not only confusing, but lends the message that this is okay.

Miley has issued an apology to her fans, but her family and handlers were all present at the shoot and allowed this to happen. Miley is even quoted as saying, "Annie took, like, a beautiful shot, and I thought it was really cool..I think it’s really artsy. It wasn’t in a skanky way.”

Lets overlook the fact that it's completely false that beauty=art and art=beauty and view this from that perspective. You still get the same gut reaction: A young girl half naked, vulnerable, exposed and sexualized. She is being fed on.

Disney spokeswoman, Patti McTeague, has come forward and said "a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines." And she is right. But considering that Miley Cyrus sells big with the teen market, which is not included in Vanity Fair's target demographic, it's just grossly taking advantage of someone.

Look at what happened to Britney Spears, whose talent at 16 was dressed up in a catholic schoolgirl outfit. Will Miley have the same fate?

ASHTON KUTCHER WANTS HILLARY TO TAKE HER PANTS OFF

Ladies-Boycott Ashton Kutcher films and TV shows! Yes, I know forgoing Dude Where's My Car and Beauty and the Geek will be hard (No.), but he is an asshole. In this month's issue of Harper's Bazaar he lists his turn ons and turn offs. Turn off: Pants.

Which isn't so bad in itself, except that it's not the 1930's, but he continues by calling it "sexlessness." This is deemed "the Hillary Clinton Look."

But it's cool, everyone. Hill can totally fix herself up. " She would be so much more appealing if she just took off the pantsuit [and] took a lesson from Jackie Kennedy."

Apparently Ashton doesn't know that Hill is running for President and not First Lady?

Misogynist.

GUESS WHAT I'M DOING THIS WEEKEND...

KEITH OLBERMANN APOLOGIZES FOR IMPLYING HILL SHOULD GET THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF HER

Hillary Clinton has faced a lot of misogyny. From giant phallic symbol Chris Matthews saying that Clinton had gotten where she was because her husband had "messed around,"to the countless idiotic articles focused on Hill's appearance.

But Keith Olbermann? How could he? Recently while he was discussing the election recently and implied that Hillary should have her ass kicked. Check it out:



Olbermann has apologized saying "It is a metaphor. I apologize: the generic "he" gender could imply something untoward. It should've been "only the other comes out - from a political point of view."

Some people wouldn't consider what he said misogony and in my opinion it does actually seem more like an unwise use of imagery. But for some people this brings up images of violence towards women and is unacceptable. What makes it more wrong though, is that in this race you have to be careful. Say that Olbermann had made the same statement about Obama: Al Sharpton would be knocking down his door.

STARS: THEY'RE NOT LIKE US!

Tommy Boy is set to jump all over Oprah's couch two times next month. (People)

Michael Jackson is back in the studio. Whoo hoo and a crotch grab. Ladies-he is still not into it. (Page Six)

Paris Hilton ran over a papparzzo's foot and drove away. For once she may not be wrong. (TMZ)

Owen Wilson wants to seal the deal with Kate Hudson and start making some babies. (Star)

OJ is not going to appear on The Apprentice. Fellow contestants and those who believe in justice can breath a sigh of relief. (Page Six)

IF THE BULLIED ARE BULLIES THEN WHO ARE THE VICTIMS?

The MySpace hoax that led to a teen suicide. The Florida teens who roughed up a classmate and posted it on Youtube. Bullying is totally a trend, which can only mean it's time for the NYT to do a story on it.

A Boy the Bullies Love to Beat Up, Repeatedly is a lengthy profile on one specific student, fifteen year old Billy Wolfe, who gets beat up daily. He is assaulted and punched while kids take video of it with their cell phones. But that's just the tip of the violent iceberg. Little Billy's parents have "binders," as in those huge file folders, full of school and police reports documenting his bruises.

Poor, poor Billy. How is he still alive? Not only does he get beat up, but he gets to represent the victims of childhood violence and social ostracizing, only giving kids more reason to kick his ass. It's like now they have to-he has been deemed the whipping post by the most prestigious paper in the nation. He is a marked man.

But wait a second...shit. Dry your eyes - Billy is also a bully. A parent whose child goes to Billy's school is also a blogger and makes it known that our poor little abused lamb was arrested after harassing a student confined to a wheelchair with muscular dystrophy. He snuck up behind him and began screaming, bounced a ball off his head and called him a retard. Billy also picked on a foreign exchange student whose mother had just died of cancer, calling him a 'gay [expletive ] German" and his 'deceased mother a vulgar name.'

So who is the victim? Maybe Billy is just acting out due to all the bullying he received? Or maybe he receives it because he is a bully? Is this where the weak become heros or is this were society gets dragged down to the level of its lowest common denominator?

I don't know. I do know that this is a long post and I am sorry for that, but this shit is so fucked up and so beyond answer that it just needs to be out there, somewhere in the blogosphere waiting for someone smarter than me to find it.

But on a lighter note, you can be happy about one thing. You're no longer a kid.

ELIZABETH OPENS IN NOLITA

Elizabeth, a new restaurant on Elizabeth Street (so clever), opens today in the former space of Rialto. There is a patio section called The Garden. which will make it a likely favorite this summer. There is a fountain back there, but more importantly a bar.

Indoors their is an area called The Salon, which features marble tables and some gothic-cool skull lamps, is a healthy mix of Milan and Bowery. The Card Room is covered in green felt and has silk house-of-cards chandeliers.

The best part though: The bathrooms! Check out the Playboys and copies of Lolita.

Not to be forgotten though-they have food and it's suppose to be good. Doug Psaltis, who used to work for Country, is the chef.

265 Elizabeth St (between Houston and Prince)

212-334-2426

AMY WINEHOUSE IN DEEP SHIT WITH THE LAW

Another day, another fuck up from Amy Winehouse. The star assaulted two men while in a drug fueled rage this past Weds., punching one in the face and (sort of awesomely) head butting another.

Today she was summoned to appear at a Central London Court House, where she will face assault charges. Her husband is already in the slammer, so maybe Amy is trying to get thrown into the clink to have some sort of weird connection with him. Or maybe she just seriously needs some help. Whatever.

(Press Association)

LE LOUP: PLANES LIKE VULTURES

SHOCKER: PINK BERRY IS MADE OF CRAP

OMG! Scandal! Pink Berry, that "swirly goodnness" and "chilly bliss," is made out of crap.

In related news the sky is blue.

But no, seriously, check it out:
“Three kinds of sugar: sucrose, fructose and dextrose. Fructose and maltodextrin, another ingredient, are both laboratory-produced ingredients extracted from corn syrup.
The list includes at least five additives defined by the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization as emulsifiers (propylene glycol esters, lactoglycerides, sodium acid pyrophosphate, mono- and diglycerides); four acidifiers (magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, citric acid, sodium citrate); tocopherol, a natural preservative; and two ingredients — starch and maltodextrin — that were characterized as fillers by Dr. Gary A. Reineccius, a professor in the department of food science and nutrition at the University of Minnesota and an expert in food additives.” (NYT)

Tasy-D forever bitches!

MASTURBATION IS THE NEW ANTI-CANCER

Science has finally done its noble duty. Researchers from the Cancer Council of Victoria have discovered that men should masturbate. Those who play pocket pool five times each week were one-third less likely to develop the cancer.

Sexual intercourse may not have the same effect because it increases the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, which could raise the risk of cancer, so it has to be chocking the chicken, buffing the wand, debugging the hard drive, greasing the pipe, jumping the hose, laying smack down on yourself (really???), launching the morning missile, stroking the stepson, manhandling the midget or (my favorite) giving the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie.

And while there is no scientific research for ladies, I say, have at it girls.

BARACK OBAMA WILL NOT LEG-GO HIS EGGO FOR THE PRESS, HAMAS, OR ANYONE ELSE.

Just think-What if he was eating these at 3:00 am.

MICROCREDIT: ONLY GOOD FOR POOR PEOPLE IF THEY WANT TO BE KILLED

Microcredit has been purported as the only socially and economically conscientious way to lift people out of poverty. Mohammed Yunus, the man who invented it, won the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize. Hell, even Natalie Portman has been crusading for it.

But it's evil. Like sell your children evil.

Microcredit is actually loan sharking under the guise of philanthropy. The villagers who are unable to pay back their loans and are harassed by Grameen Bank who doles out the small amounts of change. “Their technique is to scare borrowers and insult them. We tell them to sell their clothes, that they have no other choice. I’m not proud of myself, but several times, I had even been obliged to say ‘sell your children.’”

Fucking sad! Bono where are you when we need you!

HILLARY CLINTON'S CAMP FLASHES THE DOLLA DOLLA BILLS Y'ALL

Cha-ching! Hillary Clinton's momentum has picked up since her win in PA. Not only has it bolstered the morale of her supporters, but its also loosened their purse strings. Hill has done the unthinkable and raised $10 million in the past 24 hours. Over 80,000 new donors ponied up the cash and it didn't even take an Elton John concert.

THE DEAD GO TO COLLEGE

The University of California in Santa Cruz is about to become the epicenter of pot-related culture. The Grateful Dead are donating a cache of their papers, posters and props for the schools research center.

Among the items are rare photographs, press clippings, stage props, vintage posters, backstage passes and set and guest lists for some of the band’s innumerable concerts.

Everything will be kept in the Dead Center. It will be known by the huge quantities of smoke emitting from it and the tie dye wearing bodies of hippes whose dreadlocked heads exploded at the awesomeness.

JIMMY FALLON SIGNS DEAL TO HOST LATE NIGHT

Jimmy Fallon is set to host Late Night come 2009. Fingers crossed that Sully will make an appearance. What will happen to Conan?

HEIDI MONTAG REFUSES A WHITE HOUSE INVITIATION!

Heidi Montag is a HUGE star and a very important person.

She just can't be bothered with taking time out of her busy schedule of posing paparazzi shots, getting plastic surgery and remembering to actually register to vote before endorsing candidates to make it to the White House Correspondents Dinner.

I mean, can you believe that they wouldn't pay for her and svengali Spencer Pratt to fly first class. And um, have you checked the guest list? Pam Anderson, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Hayden Panettierre, John Cusack, Claire Danes and Rob Lowe. It's certainly not "A-listy" enough for them.***

For those of you who don't understand sarcasm-this is it.

(Page Six)

DEBBIE GIBSON ELECTRIC FLAME OF YOUTH STILL SHINING

Anybody else have her perfume when they were younger? I was such a rockstar.

BRILLIANT INTERNET IDEA: EX-BOYFRIEND JEWELRY

Ex Boyfriend Jewelry is one of the best web sites I've ever heard of and I dear readers, am an Internet expert. The site lets you buy, sell, trade all the crap your ex gave you, plus you can blog your rage and heartbreak. Use the cash to buy a new sexy black dress or items you can use to exact your revenge. I wonder how much a pink bunny rabbit, an old sweatshirt, a crappy comic book of our relationship and some cheesy perfume from Body Shop will get me? God, my ex sucks!***

Speaking of gifts I have to tell this story. This ex did give me all of the above, but to be honest there is actually a lot more stuff. Nothing sellable, but cds, beauty products, dvd's and random odds and ends. Which is great right? Except when it isn't. Said ex worked as a writer and got these things for free but would try and pass them off as his own. A recreation of an actual event:

X: I got you the new Black Eyed Peas CD?
Me: Really? Why?
X: You love them.
Me: No I don't. But wait...you walked into a store and purchased this because you were thinking about me.
X: Absolutely.
Me: It's not out for three months.
X: How do you know that if you don't like them?
Me: You're a bastard.
X: Give it back. Give fergie and Will.i.am back.

And of course I wouldn't give it back which then led to an on the ground half fake half serious shameless wrestling match over who would win the priceless chance to listen to My Humps before everyone else. Sad.

CHEERS TO A SHOT AT LOVE 2!

It's the best show on TV that people won;t admit to watching. Well, I am not afraid. I watched and I actually laughed out loud. The culprit behind my unabashed giggles: Chad, the flooring installer from MI who gave the best quote to ever be uttered on screen:

“Chicks love wang bone. Why do you think they have strap-ons and things in that nature, to simulate wang bones, which i come stocked with.”

Did I mention I know someone exactly like this. Exactly.

Let's just hope the fashion show, complete with gay vampire, is an indication of how rockin this season is going to be.

A Shot At Love 2 Men's Fashion Show
by TheDlisted

DOES THE BOX HAVE A WOLF AT THE DOOR?

Someone has got a serious beef against The Box. Not only are these signs posted everywhere, but check out this review via Citysearch:

"Just so you know, the doorman (Gans) whom everyone below seems to be complaining about is actually an Albanian pedophile with a felony record and a history of molesting young boys. --------------------------- Luckily for you, though, he also is known for having a fondness for eating his own feces."

And it doesn't stop there. They go on and on. For more, check out Animal NY.

YOKO TO BATTLE COURT CASE OVER FOOTAGE OF JOHN

Yoko Ono is getting set to battle against a Lawrence, Massachusetts-based World Wide Video. The video dealers are claiming ownership of nine hours of footage that show Lennon smoking pot, writing songs and discussing putting the hallucinogenic drug LSD in Nixon's tea. Their plan is to release it as a two-hour film titled "3 days in the life."

So who really owns it?

World Wide paid more than $1 million for the footage after legal costs and other expenses. Ono is asserting copyright ownership and I hope she gets it. While I would love to see John Lennon in his own environment, there is also a lot to be said about respecting the privacy of legends.

(Yahoo)

AMY WINEHOUSE: A HERO FOR BRITS UNDER 25

The perpetually drunk songstress who has been caught smoking crack and is constantly seen with random cuts on her arm and white dragon riding jail bird Pete Doherty have both come up on the list of Hero's. I'd love to see their list of fuck-ups.

Psychologist Donna Dawson told the Press Association, "The results show that what society defines as a 'hero' and a 'heroine' seems to differ greatly." Amy Winehouse seems to "portray a certain sense of vulnerability" and has "had to fight against some adversity."

Adversity like a line of coke staring you in the face just challenging you to snort it?

(Contact Music)

STARS: THEY'RE NOT LIKE US!

,

Star Jones has finally realized her husband is gay. (TMZ)

Jon Bon Jovi boozer Richie Sambora gets 3 years probation and 3 months alcohol classes. He is also honorary Father of the Year for having his daughter in the car when he was pulled over for DUI. (People)

Straight up now tell me. Paula Abdul will neither confirm nor deny an appearance on Dancing with the Stars, but she is interested. Figures. (OK)

OJ wants to be Donald Trumps Apprentice. Real estate seems so much easier than killing. (Page Six)

Miley Cyrus has signed a book deal that is worth more than the wealth of you and all of your future descendants combined. Teen fame is just adorable. (People)

THE LADY'S STILL IN THE RACE!

GEORGE BUSH SAYS DEAL.

I say No Deal, followed by WTF?

IF I HAD $942,797 I WOULD BUY ME A...

Lot of shit that wasn't a triceratops. But to each their own. Last week an american bought a dinosaur skeleton from Christie’s auction house in Paris.

The unnamed buyer has given no clue about where this huge fossil will now reside. I suggest a garden, front law, or highly authentic mini golf course.

(NYT)

BLIND MELON ALBUM OUT TODAY

I like this song and I am glad to see the boys back together, but I hate that they are calling themselves Blind Melon. Without Shannon Hoon, who passed away in 1995 from a drug overdose, they are not the same band. Take a listen and decide for yourself.

Bee girl forever!

OLYMPIC ICE DANCER DRUGGED

Former Olympic ice dancer Pasha Grishuk was slipped GHB, a substance known to rapist as their drug of choice.

Pasha was attending a business meeting at the St. Regis Monarch Beach when she spotted the partially dissolved pill in the bottom of her drink and started to feel dizzy.

Pasha is going to be okay, but the culprit hasn't been caught. I hope they find him, drug him and do the unmentionable.

(AP)

UNCLE JESSE WILL TOTALLY KICK LINDSAY'S ASS

Depite the fact that Lindsay Lohan can't seem to stop drinking or showing X-rated bits of herself, I totally respect this chick. Not because of her movies, or the way she has distanced herself from her crazy parents, but because she told Ashley Olsen to get her " 15-year-old ‘Full House’ ass" away from her girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

Awesome.

(New York Post)

VH1'S THE PICK-UP ARTIST RETURNS TO TERRORIZE WOMEN. DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN HIM?

Do your interests and hobbies get in the way of your social and love life? Are you a geeky guy who can't seem to find a girl that has the same interests as you? Are you a nice guy, who happens to be in his thirties and is a virgin?

Then come. Learn how to be a HUGE D-bag from the best. Mystery will teach you how to put down women using pseudo-psychology meant to lower their self value and trick them into getting into bed with you.

You'll also learn some overly rehearsed one-liners, how to dress like a six year old vampire freak (goggles and leather anyone) and get a magician/American gladiator/Superhero name likes Blaze or Lightening Bolt.

In addition, you'll be known forever as that dude who became an asshole overnight simply by repeating "Do you brush or floss first."

If this sounds like an incredible opportunity. You, yes you, should apply here.

MCCAIN: LIVING THE FAB LIFE

WHAT PA MEANS TO THE ELECTION

Today's vote in PA is a big deal, if not for numbers then for morale. Obama is pretty much betting on losing, with plans to leave and rally in Indiana, while Hill is sticking around for her supposed victory party.

But the tides could turn. If things go as expected and Hill takes the victory this proves that Obama does not do well with gun toting white suburbans. Expect Hill to amp up the attacks on Barack's "elistism."

Say Barack wins - Hill will have to drop out. Despite her team mentally counting in Florida and Michigan, and discounting various caucuses, there is no way that the lady will have a shot.

Stay tuned for updates...

(NY Mag)

KOONS ON THE ROOF

The Met's Cantor Roof Garden has opened kitchsy pop artist Jeff Koons exhibit and it looks awesome.

There are only a few pieces:

There is a dog made of twisted-together balloons. Described as teeming with "erotic perversity" because of its sausage like limbs, I prefer to just think of it as more of a whimsical object from a giants carnival.

The chocolate valentine heart wrapped in red foil, standing en pointe, is titled Sacred Heart (Red/Gold) and serves to comment on the "commercial debasement of emotional and religious experience." Again, I choose to disagree and think of it as something fun and lighthearted, big and juicy.

“Coloring Book,” featuring a childishly colored page from a Winnie the Pooh book, "reflects the youth-obsessed infantilism of modern culture and society." I again am choosing my own personal, more playful analysis of never-ending youth.

Koons own belief is to reject an alleged hidden meaning of a work of art. The meaning is only what you perceive at the first glance, there is no gap between what the work is in itself and what is perceived.

So at any rate, think what you like. Just be sure to check it out.

(NYT)

GLOBAL WARMING HITS THE BAR

Attention frat boys. There is a reason you should care about global warming and the environment. It's effecting the price of beer. High beer prices are on tap, and global warming could be to blame.

Queens County Young Democrats hosted a "Save the Ales" forum last night where they explained that radical shifts in weather caused by rising temps mean parched land. This dry ground makes it harder to grow grains and hops thus making your booze more expensive.

So if preserving humanity doesn't motivate you to turn off a light or turn off the water when your not using it, maybe a cheaper night out will.

(NY Post)

30 ROCK IS MOVING

It will now take place in Jersey. Just kidding.

The best show on NBC will stay at its namesake address and appear on NBC Thursdays right after the offcie at 9:30 pm, instead of 8:30 pm.

In case you didn;t get it-this was a cheap excuse to post 30 Rock's MILF Island clip. God I love Alec Baldwin.

MCCAIN'S CAMPAIGN JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT PRETTIER

John McCain has hired Miss South Carloina Ashley Zais to be in charge of his interns. She met McCain last year when the senator gave a speech at South Carolina's Newberry College, where her father is president. Mr. Zais had previously published an anti-Rumsfield article.

So there you have it. If you want to work on a Presidential campaign, all it takes are good looks and nepotism.

(Huffington Post)

BUSH'S LEGACY: BUSTING SWEET DANCE MOVES

Bush boogied dow in New Orleans yesterday. He dances better than he leads the country. Might I suggest a job in regional theater?

CANDIDATES REACH ALL TIME LOW WITH HULK HOGAN IMPERSONATIONS

All three candidates have some how been convinced to go on WWE tonight. Check out the clip above and answer me this, "Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" Hill-Rod? McCainiacs?

I CAN'T BELEIVE IT'S NOT B-EEF.

You're all familiar with PETA right? They spend their time creating nude ads and harassing Anna Wintour. Their latest ploy however, is so much more sinister.

The animal rights organization is offering $1 million smackers to the “first person to come up with a method to produce commercially viable quantities of in vitro meat at competitive prices by 2012.” Meaning: Meat in a test tube.

Sounds disgusting, inedible and wholly unnatural. yet it may not be so super-unhealthy. New Harvest, a nonprofit organization formed to promote the field, says on its Web site, “Because meat substitutes are produced under controlled conditions impossible to maintain in traditional animal farms, they can be safer, more nutritious, less polluting and more humane than conventional meat.”

Still...gross. Let's just make all food into liquid pill form and call it a modern 21st century day. Farmers and those who make their living in the agricultural business, what do you say?

(NYT)

MEXICO HATES EMO TOO

Kids have always used categories to define cliches of people. We've all seen Breakfast Club right? Being an adolescent teen is tough. I remember watching the Goth kids, the closest thing my high school had to a subculture, get thrown into lockers one or five times (a week), but nothing compares to the country-wide hysteria of anti-emo activity in Mexico.

So far there have been three massive attacks and one silent march in opposition to the violence. Some think the music sucks, while most regard the genre as homosexual. Fuel was added to the fire when a popular TV personality, Kristoff, launched into a hateful rhetoric on why the genre should not even exist.

Now Kristoff says "The anti-emo movement doesn't exist." To prove this wrong, MTV sent their crack team down south to talk to some Emo kids. Check out what they have to say:

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

(Via Radar)

CLASSY CONDUCT AT ROCK OF LOVE REUNION

As Bret Michaels would say, "Not awesome." The whores and groupies at last night's Rock of Love Reunion acted the only way they know how: With the charm and decorum fitting the situation. Check out the clip to see last season's Heather, minus prostitute hair, take on the tranny-esque melt-faced Daisy.

PARIS AND HER BITCHES

America's favorite pet killer Paris Hilton is rumored to be getting a show all about pet grooming called "Paris' Pooches." It will take place in Britain, where she will manage a pet grooming business on Bond Street in London.

Other shows slated for the network:

- Pete Doherty Counsels at Celebrity Rehab

- Pedophilia Kid Nation

- Jeffrey Dahmer's Kitchen Confidential

NYC GOV'T THINKS YOU'RE FAT

Sometimes it is possible to brazenly forget just how many calories are in the big, hunking unhealthy item you are shoving in your mouth like Taco Bell's Border Grande Taco Salad. It's a selective process and makes eating treats guilt free, instead of an exercise in 1,450 calories of self-hate.

You have to treat your self some time people!

But there may be no more of that. As of today, chain restaurants in NYC are fighting a law that requires them to display caloric information.

Starbucks, Subway, Chipotle, Auntie Anne’s, Jamba Juice and Chevys already have info up. McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell are fighting the law claiming it violates their 1st amendment rights.

Guess who has the most fatty foods?

(Gothamist)

SHE & HIM AT HIRO TONIGHT!

Rarely can an actor cross over into music (see: Bruce Willis), but Zooey Deschanel has done the impossible with She & Him. Her duets with M. Ward are sweet, twee and country twangy. Tickets are sold out for their show tonight at Hiro, so start staking out Craigslist.

Hiro

363 W 16th St.

(212) 242-4300

PETE DOHERTY & THE MYSTERIOUS CASE OF HUMAN BLOOD

Fact: Pete Doherty is fucking nuts.
Fact: He has been evicted from his country mansion for spraying human blood on the walls, floor and windows.

Large and important fact missing from the story: Who's blood?

I realize Pete is serously, cracktastically fucked up, but this is sociopathic. Thank god he is going to rehab.

(Showbiz Spy)