MASTURBATION IS THE NEW ANTI-CANCER

Science has finally done its noble duty. Researchers from the Cancer Council of Victoria have discovered that men should masturbate. Those who play pocket pool five times each week were one-third less likely to develop the cancer.

Sexual intercourse may not have the same effect because it increases the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, which could raise the risk of cancer, so it has to be chocking the chicken, buffing the wand, debugging the hard drive, greasing the pipe, jumping the hose, laying smack down on yourself (really???), launching the morning missile, stroking the stepson, manhandling the midget or (my favorite) giving the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie.

And while there is no scientific research for ladies, I say, have at it girls.